It’s pretty common – you see a guy and a gal together quite a bit and in a moment with the guy you ask the obvious question, “So, is that your girlfriend?” To which he replies, “Um, no, we’re just talking.”
Strangely, if you ask the girl the same question, she’ll likely reply “Well, I don’t know what’s going on.” If you press her, she may even tell you how he calls her a lot, spends a lot of time talking, and even invites her to do things with him (that seem to her like dates), but she just doesn’t know where she stands. You may even see a few tears as she talks about him.
Talking is Intimacy
Men and women are wired differently. I hope you knew this already – but if the scenario described above doesn’t bother you, then you may need to dig a little to understand what’s wrong with this idea of “just talking.”
For most women, talking is one of the most important aspects of intimacy. If you watch women with their friends, you will see them making eye contact and sharing important things verbally. Men are sometimes amazed at just how much women can talk.
On the other hand, men can get together and sit in a fishing boat for hours and say almost nothing – they will be better friends for the experience. If a woman was in the boat, the silence would be indication that the relationship was in trouble! Unless she was a very mature lady who understood that men bond just by being together, even in silence, most women would start rocking the boat to find out what the problem was.
This is one of those areas where you really benefit from having knowledge of the opposite sex. In my marriage of nearly three decades I had to learn the importance of just talking daily to my lovely bride.
I travel for a living, so our face-to-face and side-by-side time is limited. I found it was essential for my wife’s well being that I check in frequently with her – usually daily was a good idea. Although I could go away on a 2-week long around the world trip and only need to say it was “fine” when it was over, my darling wife needed to connect emotionally through the phone – sometimes for an hour or more each day.
I discovered over the years that the more I did this, the better our relationship was. I also discovered that the more I did this, the more I enjoyed it as well.
It is pretty well documented in marriage that a man who does not communicate openly and frequently with his wife will not have a very good relationship in any aspect. A woman who does not feel in tune with her man’s life or feel like he understands her will wither emotionally and be able to be vibrantly intimate with him.
Just Talking, Just Wrong?
So let’s apply this to our original scenario. A young unmarried gal gets long and repeated phone calls from a young guy whom she finds attractive. He shares his hopes, dreams, frustrations and ideas with her. He listens to her sympathetically. He invites her to go places with him, and they talk as they bowl, eat, play frisbee or whatever.
Are they “just talking?”
Obviously, not for her. This relationship on the one hand fills her with hope and at the same time wears her out emotionally. She feels intimately connected to someone yet rejected at that same time. He will not define his intentions, but in her heart she feels a strong connection.
Just Talking – What’s a Man to do?
This is a big step of maturity for any man, but it is one you will need for the rest of your life in your relationship with the ladies in your life. You need to be intentional in your talking with women.
If you are interested in any way in a lady as a potential future wife – you need to be man enough to say so. If you are not interested, then keep your communication measured and discrete. If you really need to talk to someone about something important to you, either talk to a good guy friend, a parent, or to someone to whom you have had the courage to define the relationship as intimate. If you need more guidance on the man’s role in a relationship, click here.
Many women today express frustration with a new generation of young boys who will not step up and be a man. Some of these boys are in their forties, mind you!
So here is the message to men. Man up. Grow up. Develop a spine. Stop being childish. Stop playing with people’s hearts. Have the courage to be honest with the ladies in your life. Protect women and children. Live courageously.
Real men don’t use women selfishly. Guys, don’t just talk in order to avoid commitment or responsibility. Either grow up, or go away until you do.