In the first post on sexual compatibility we noticed that this widely accepted idea of taking a sexual test drive is profoundly harmful. In terms of emotional, physical and spiritual well-being – it is optimal for us to arrive at our wedding still totally inexperienced sexually.
The key to finding sexual compatibility is found in truly loving our chosen spouse. Love is doing what is best for another person regardless of how we fell or how they respond. Doing this over the course of a relationship should result in a healthy and satisfying sex life.
As we mentioned though, there are some potential problems.
Problems Caused by a Promiscuous Past
As is mentioned elsewhere on this site as well as at others – sex with anyone is anything but casual. The God who designed us made sex to be a kind of emotional glue. Every time we experience any form of sexual intimacy – specific chemicals flood our brains and cause a powerful attachment bordering on addiction. Those who study these chemicals refer to this as sexual imprinting.
As our Creator intended – sex expressed only in marriage helps us to continually draw closer and closer – helping us to stay strong through the tough times of life. Unfortunately in our sex and porn saturated culture – too many people find themselves with divided loyalties. Due to either a plurality of sexual partners or even virtual partners through Internet porn – too many people have destroyed the bond that sex can provide through spreading their heart connections among too many sexual contacts.
But is there hope for such a person? Absolutely.
There Is a Catch
I’ll talk to anyone about dating, sex, and relationships. My life has been made worthwhile by the wonderful people who love me and care for me. I am a follower of Jesus Christ, but as a former evolution-believing atheist I do have a soft spot for skeptics and those who believe in other ways. My prayer is that all experience the joy that I have had in my marriage.
While I can share a number of principles that can help nearly anyone in their relationships – when it comes to restoring a sexually wounded person, unfortunately it is hard to offer much healing without the One True God in their life.
As a young man, I made a lot of stupid mistakes. Too many, really. By the time I was 20, I had messed up my life beyond repair. I finally crashed, and in the ruins of my pathetic life – I found God.
From personal experience I can testify – the God of the Bible is the God who restores. When you submit to Him in humility – he can make things happen that you never thought would. He is an awesome loving God – but you cannot make Him in your own image. You need to come to Him on His terms – see this link for more information.
Oh sure, you’ll still bear the scars of your past sins – but those kinds of scars can be useful in keeping you humble and compassionate toward others who are making bad decisions as well.
Don’t waste another day – life is hard enough as it is. Get on the side of God who is alive.
Problems Caused by the Sins of Others
Almost everyone has some person or events in their past that can cause some hangups in relationships and the bedroom.
Many young ladies and quite a few of the men have suffered abuse and betrayal at way too early an age. While folks can quite often get excited enough to get past this when the relationship is new – problems will almost always surface later.
Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher told an amazing story to Oprah Winfrey. This elegant lady who is considered a sex symbol was telling the story of having her first child. She told Oprah that she knows exactly when she got pregnant because it was the only time she had sex with her husband that year!
You think about this; a sex symbol only having sex once in a year?
She went on to recount the tragic history of how she had been sexually assaulted repeatedly as a young girl by a trusted relative. At some point in her life all of the horrors of this resurfaced and nearly destroyed her.
Problems caused by abuse often do not appear when you first meet a person – they may be suppressed by the excitement of a new relationship. So the test drive will not help.
True Sexual Compatibility: The Beauty of Sex in a Context of Love
Any relationship will face problems as it grows. But as you work through these problems – that is where the relationship becomes deeper and more loving. Thinking that some sense of sexual compatibility determined by some pre-marital sexual experience will somehow avoid problems is foolish – marriage is not just about your selfish desires anyway.
In the Christian view of marriage, the real solution to having your sexual needs met is clearly stated. It is found in the letter known as 1 Corinthians 7: 2-5:
“…Since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but to his wife. Do not deprive one another except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourself to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
When a couple takes this attitude in marriage compatibility is far more simple. We meet each others needs because that is what we have agreed with God to do. The pressure is off, and we learn to love better through the sacrificial giving of ourselves.
Now that’s compatible! Skip the test drive, buy the car, and enjoy the ride!