Sexual compatibility is nearly an unchallenged concept. It sort of makes sense – sex is a big part of our lives. Before we get too serious about someone, shouldn’t we make sure we are sexually compatible? What if we were to get married and only then find out that things are kind of dull or awkward in the sack?
What is Sexual Compatibility?
Sexual compatibility is an interesting notion.It is much like the idea of the right-person. If you meet the right person the relationship will just magically work out. See this link to find out what is wrong with the right person concept, and this link to see how to truly find a person you can have a good relationship with.
Sexual Compatibility is the idea that if you are meant to be with someone, then the sex will pretty much be awesome from the very first time. Where did this idea come from? Certainly not from reality!
The media of our culture has handed us the concept that good sex is a product that we shop for. You test someone out and they are either good at sex with you or not. In other words, a guy might meet a gal whom he finds very attractive and sweet. They have long talks and enjoy each other’s company immensely. But of course, although she seems really great – the question lingers in his mind; are they sexually compatible. So he pushes her on a date in a private location, and this sweet young gal is just kind of unspectacular in the back seat. She doesn’t seem to enjoy the experience, and is hesitant to engage him again on a future date. Game over.
He comes to the conclusion that they just aren’t meant for each other because the sex isn’t mind-blowing. She seems right but the product she is offering is of inferior quality. In other words, the sex he experiences with her is not quite what he sees in the movies and on the internet porn sites. She doesn’t measure up.
Get the point here; although she is a good-willed, fun to be around, cute and wonderful person – she is not worth committing to because her sexual skills were not mind-blowing from the very start. She has been deemed un-relationship-worthy because she doesn’t measure up to the high “standards” of Hollywood movies and Internet porn.
Is this the standard you measure others by? Is this the standard you want to be measured by? Is it right to measure someone by their skills in an area they should be pretty new at? Is sex the only thing that makes a relationship great?
The Truth about Sexual Compatibility
If you look at the reality behind what happens during sex, the truth about safe sex, and what makes a long-term relationship great – you actually can see a whole lot of reasons to marry someone who has absolutely no experience in the sexual arena.
It has been well-documented that those who are sexually active before marriage have much higher rates of relationship failure – that being divorce if married or the breakup if just living together. And although living together is popular these days – we all know that just because something is popular does not mean it’s good for us.
But what is really interesting about the whole notion of sexual compatibility is the very idea that two people who are meant for each other should be instantly great in bed! This greatness would in reality require experience, yet sexual experience causes all sorts of relational and health problems that will lead to sexual problems. Hmm, who thought this sexual compatibility idea up?
Sexual Compatibility – A Learned Skill of a True Lover?
It is hard to imagine in this hyper-sexualized culture, but I can tell you from personal experience that the following scenario is pretty awesome! What happens if you decide to do what is best for all relationships and have your first sexual experience after the wedding ceremony? Can you imagine the purity, excitement, and innocent fun you could have? (If you’ve already gone past this possibility, we’ll talk about how to restore purity in Part II of this post.)
What if you both had read a good book on the basics of sexuality, were fully committed to truly loving the other person for life, and just started on your wedding night clumsily and laughingly learning how to please your partner sexually? No former lovers to compete with in the heart and no diseases to be passed between the two of you unexpectedly. The sexual imprinting function of sex is fully benefitted from because you have only been with each other.
Think of the excitement of years of discovering new and loving ways to enjoy one another. Of course this is about true love. Love is choosing to do what is in the best interest of another person, no matter how you feel or how they respond – the potential for great sexual compatibility is certainly there.
Of course the potential for some problems to surface are there as well. Some of you reading this have already gained some sexual experience – that will create some challenges. Some of you have experienced sexual abuse (or your spouse will have) and this will cause some issues as well. We will talk about these in Part II of this discussion.
Sexual Compatibility Test Drives do Not Ensure Long-Term Success
The simple truth is that just because someone seems great in bed while dating does not mean that problems will not surface later. The same emotional burdens of past lovers, abuse, and even just the process of the newness of an exciting relationship wearing off can send your sexual life into a tail-spin. It also happens sometimes that someone who is desperate for someone to “love” them can put on quite a sexual show – only to later shut down on their “lover” once they snag them.
Skip the test drive.
Become a true lover and learn sexual compatibility.
Question: Is good sex in marriage something that just happens between two “right people,” or is it a learned skill?